Open Mic Stand-Up Comedy CLICHÉS

I go to a lot of open mic comedy nights in & around London, quite often I'll do a bit of stand-up either as myself or as some character act or other, heck I've even been known to MC an entire gig or two, I enjoy it and the London open mic scene is a vibrant and never ending social life as well as a hobby for a great many people (probably 300 active regulars) and indeed a career springboard for a select few who go on to get paid for doing what they love

There's a plethora of comedy courses available in and around London too,  they all seem to sell out and they pump out 50 or so new contenders every other month, in the few years I've been taking notes I'd say that for every 40 comics who quit the open mic circuit there's 50 along to replace them so it's a growing scene with several gigs to choose from practically every night of the week

I've done a couple of stand-up courses myself, one of which I thought was really very good and I've got to the stage where I can more or less tell what course a given act has been on by looking at the structure of their set and the nature of their material, anyhow comedy courses is another subject and a pretty big one too!

As an exercise in OBSERVATIONAL COMEDY *fanfare* I have compiled a set list for a clichéd open mic performer fresh out of comedy school, hope it gives you open mic folks a few laughs of recognition

WALK ON 
hello ****town are we well? .... Oh that was perrrthetuck! ****town are you GOOD???? (mumbles)

It's great to be here!!! (mumbles)

Lovely basement, just like FRITZL'S! (attic, just like Anne Franks)

My name is Fred Bastard like the compere just said, big round of applause for your compere...yay whoop whoop isn't he ace?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING!!!

I LOOK LIKE the illegitimate love child of (Ho Chi Minh & Mary Whitehouse)

I'll tell you a bit about myself...... (because that's my favourite subject)

I'M SINGLE!!! haven't had sex for ever, wank a lot, use a sock (desperate for a shag hey isn't this like speed dating?)

I come from Shitborough, you know Aldi, inbred chavs & Liebfraumilch, Chlamydia capital of Europe

GIVE ME A CHEER IF... (several questions with 50/50 answers e.g you're gay? ....you're straight? .... you hate fucking cheering?)



Gag one, NIGHT BUS


Gag two, OYSTER CARD


Gag three, FACEBOOK! (what's that all about hey?)


Gag four, HEATHER MILLS MACCARTNEY


Gag five, INTERNET DATING


Gag six, ROHYPNOL


Here's my impression of some WIGGA YOOT


I'll finish with this..... MY GRANNY'S SO RACIST....


OK that's my time, I've been Fred Bastard, I don't get paid for this so you can buy me a drink, YOU'VE BEEN A LOVELY AUDIENCE (all fucking three of ya) Thank you & goodnight!


Ahhh yes the footnote! I sketched out the rough draught of this on a Facebook group called "The Comedy Collective" my pal Simon Caine was saying he was writing some new set about clichés which is what lead to my post, poor Simon  tried a gag about "something like that only funny" and he got ONE thumby uppy likey bless him, ten less than me so far *Smug, self satisfied grin*